In professional spaces, bully bonding frequently masks itself as "office culture" or "venting." It occurs when a toxic manager or an influential group of colleagues systematically undermines a single employee. Team members often join in or passively condone the behavior to secure professional alliances, protect their jobs, or stay in the good graces of leadership. 3. Digital Spaces (Cyberbullying)
of others (toxic affiliations), research suggests this is a maladaptive way to find social belonging
Consider the "frenemy" dynamic. Two coworkers, let’s call them Sarah and Jen, don’t particularly like each other. They compete for the same promotions and have different values. However, every day at lunch, they sit together and eviscerate a third colleague, Mark. They mock his presentation style, dissect his wardrobe choices, and laugh at his failed project. bully bonding
True human connection does not require a sacrifice. You do not need to throw someone under the bus to have a friend. You do not need a common enemy to have a family.
Years later, people would describe that season with shorthand—“They were inseparable,” or “He used to be such a bully.” The truth was messier: Jonah’s cruelty had been real and damaging, but so had his capacity to protect. Their bond had formed in the shadow of harm but grew in the small interstices where two people, both flawed, chose to keep meeting. However, every day at lunch, they sit together
The victim constantly monitors their own behavior, speech, and appearance to avoid triggering the bully’s anger. Their primary focus shifts from self-expression to self-preservation. 2. Seeking Validation from the Tormentor
Many Bullies, particularly the XL variety, have a "thick," solid appearance but are truly affectionate, "thick babies" at heart. They love to lean against their owners, snuggle on the couch, and receive gentle pats. Allowing them to be a part of the family in the home, rather than keeping them outside, is essential. 3. Creating a Safe Environment rather than keeping them outside
So, how can we break the cycle of bully bonding and promote healthier relationships? The answer lies in a combination of education, empathy, and support:
Eliminating Bullying by Making Kindness Cool - Caryn Hacker-Buechel
Jonah’s reputation came first—sharp insults, daring pranks, and a laugh that made other kids shrink. He was the kind of person teachers warned about and parents sighed over. But one rainy Tuesday, as Eli sketched the raindrops chasing each other down the window, he overheard something different: a softer voice in the schoolyard, Jonah’s voice, talking quietly to a younger boy about a broken shoelace and how to tie a knot that wouldn’t come undone.
: By positioning a victim "below" them, the group collectively gains a sense of control and "borrowed authority". Common Contexts Primary Dynamic Key Characteristic Schools Relational Bullying